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[Blogging Television #01] "90210" Episode 1: We're Not in Kansas Anymore

by Manuel | | April 18th, 2009 | Manuel, columns & rants

“Fuck Kansas, My DIGNITY Doesn’t Exist Anymore!”

What the hell am I thinking? I’m only 5 minutes into this crap and already wish that an archangel would come down from holy heaven, pointing a freaking desert eagle next to my head and pulling the trigger, so I’m able to watch how my beautiful brain splashes against the wall and colours it in the prettiest colours imaginable. That would be, at least, more entertaining than watching this pile of shit.

I’m, of course, talking about the glorious new show that finally arrived in austria television, ready to suck out the personality of thousands of teenagers everywhere – built up for your materialistic “I want to have big tits and be rich one day. Who needs creativity, talent and individualism these days anyway? That’s for pussies!” pleasure only – 90210. The follow-up to the 90′s tv-sensation Beverly Hills, 90210, the godmother of the “less stories and more spoilt brats” extravaganza. The hell-spawn of all “High School Musicals” to come. To put long things short: a show that wasn’t even good to begin with. A show that was so 90′s that even the 80′s would be so embarrassed about it, that they would deny the show’s existance with a passion. So who in god’s name needs a follow-up? I SURE AS HELL don’t! Gnahahahaha – KILL ME!!

WE HAS TITS FO BRAINS, GNIHIHI ^_^

AAAlrighty, let the torture begin. So, what happened so far? I have seriously no idea whatsoever. From what I can tell, there is this Dude who got a job offer as being the principal of some sort of high school thingie somewhere in 90210 (it’s so hip to use the zipcode instead of saying the actual fucking name of the goddamn place, you know?) where he graduated back 50 years ago. Which he – you guessed it – accepted. So he, his wife (who seems to have a vacuum instead of a brain) and his two 27-year old kids – who suffer from a serious case of schizophrenia, since they think that they are 15 years old – move to 90210 (GAAAH!!), where lots of fun and adventures are waiting for them – or something in that lines, I don’t know, I’ve already set my brain to stand-by.

So, as in every horrifying teenage spectacular, there are rolemodels devided to every kind of youngster stereotype fucking imaginable.  Those are so understandably displayed, that even a brain-amputee on drugs would get it (which is a paradox of it’s own, since that’s pretty much the group of viewers this show is aimed for).There is the “every-girl” whore, Annie, who is lovely at first but turns out to be so unbelievably stupid that you get this torturing desire to constantly beat her with a stick. She doesn’t know where her place in this cruel world between the sun, palms and tequila parties really is (good god, please, I WANT to have her problems!), that’s why she at first becomes friends with the girl that is “too cool for school”, Naomi, rich, famous, beautiful (at least the script says that she is) – basically the girl every boy in school wants to get a luckymoment with.

She has got a boyfriend, named Eathan, who Annie – SUPRISINGLY ENOUGH – got the “hots” for. Of course, Ethan is the “every boy type” of role model, which should suggest right from the beginning that he and Annie are meant for each other. Annie, that lucky slut can be pleased since Ethan (who is, by the way, age oh tea – ganh!!) is cheating on Naomi RIGHT IN THE FIRST EPISODE (and if you take a good look at Naomi, you can totally understand this Sir.). If that’s not quite an intense metaphor of how much he and Annie are meant for each other, than I don’t know what is. That’s what I call foreshadowing, bitchez!!

Heheh…

PLEASE JUST KILL ME, KILL ME TO DEATH!!

So, is everyone still following me to this point? Well, me neither! So, keep going! Oh, I almost forgot Annie’s brother – Dixon – who is hot (of – course), an ace at sports and… well… these are all the attributes that are seriously going for him. To my biggest suprise, he is maybe the person with the biggest amount of personality in this whole fucking episode. Ain’t that ironic? Oh, yeah, something I didn’t get was the matter of fact the he is black while his parents as well as his sisters are caucasian natives. I’m pretty sure that this was explained in the episode (at least I hope it was) but – as I said – my brain was set to stand-by, that’s why I think that this amount of information would have made it implode. So, if there’s any sort of case that anyone of you have watched this episode too, could you please explain to me in the comments how this ist biologically even possible? Thank you very much.

So Dixon, this sexy MoFo, attempts to be a player in one of the schools sportteams (I seriously have no idea what kind of sport it was. I mean, that was funny as hell. I SAW what they were playing, but my brain couldn’t figure out at that moment what it actually was… awkward…) where it turns out that he is a much better player than the teams actual “superstar” who is (YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT!!) Ethan (dam dam daaaaaam, but, to be honest, I don’t know if it really was him. They are all so HOT, it’s so hard to make out a difference) who goes apeshit Hitler on Dixon’s blackass (this Eathan, what a role model that everybody should look up to) and beats the shit out of him with an hockey stick (again, I absolutely don’t know if it really was a hockey stick, I just use the term because I think it sounds awesome). But, poor Dixon, nobody believes that Eathan was the one who started the fight (am I the only one who sees some sort of “whitemen everywhere, get up and take the blackmen’s dignity. Austrian Guy’s one too, if you are at it” metaphor right there? I’m just asking…). That’s why he got sent directly to the principal who is (ironically enough) his own father. Seriously, what the fuck?!

OH MY GOD, I can’t take this anymore, make it stop, make it stop!!
20 Minutes to go? JESUS FFFFUCKING CHRIST ON A STICK!!

SPLISHY SPLISHY SPLASH-SPLASH! THERE GOES OUR ACTING CREDIBILITY!! XD

Okay, please, we cut everything short from now on. Annie meets at some point a goth-punk-indie-whatever chick named Silver (who’s realname is Erin, but she would “fuck your goshdarn brains out and plays pingpong with you filthy liver” if you call her so. Quite a deal, if you ask me). So Erin (eat this!) is, you can tell, the role model of every outsider and underdog who hates the “glamour world of the high society” with a passion at first, while, in fact, just wants to be a part of it (but we can’t tell from now since the script is soooo innovative) in the end.

Erin hates glamour-bitch Naomi with a passion (what a suprise) and Annie, all of a sudden, too since she is friends with Naomi at this point (‘glad that everyone on this show loves conventional thinking so much). Therefor she creates an evilish prank-video that makes fun of Annie, which she uploads on her website (which, of course, doesn’t look like any website in the whole world would look like – ever. If I would log-on to a website that looks this flashy, I would contact Applecomputers and tell them that my iMac got the “I’m such an underdog bitch, fear my hate for the humankind!” virus) and in that process, she and Annie become friends. (Please, don’t even think about asking me to explain this to you. Some people just seem to hate themselves).

We jump forward to a scene where Naomi cries out loud to Annie, that she hasn’t done her homework yet and that she needs to have it for tomorrow. But, lazy as this stupid moron is, she can’t do it, since she has to organize her 16th (yeah, riiiiight – we got another schizo right here) birthday (OH NOES! :’( ). But Annie, the good farmer-girl that she is, hands over the exact same homework she already did a year ago (y’know, in 90210, the educational system is a bit slower than in Kansas)  with the words “here you’ve got it you stupid lazy-bitch, now get the fuck up and do something you spoilt prick”. But, well well, Annie seemes to forget that she is pretty much the definition of an IDIOT, at this point. But, don’t worry, at the next day, she is quite shocked that Naomi hand in the exact same homework that she did a year ago. (… WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF HANDING HER YOUR FUCKING ESSAY IN THE FIRST PLACE THEN, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, YOU STUPID FUC–…)

…

Oookay. So Principal Moron seems to remember Annie’s essay too (guh…), and Naomi doesn’t want Annie to come to her birthdayparty anymore (why? I don’t know, because the screenplay doesn’t make any sense, perhaps?). But Annie doesn’t care (yap) and she goes to the party, uninvited, together with Dixon and Erin, anyway. Naomi finds out that Ethan cheated on her, Dixon is – why in hell’s name ever – a part of the sportsteam again, Ethan goes to the Beach to surf in the middle of the night (because that’s what real man do when they are depressed… they – go – surfing…) and Annie takes a look on Ethan’s wet croth. Episode’s over, I survived – YAY!

I just can’t believe how bad this was. Leave this unbelievable stupid screenplay alone (which doesn’t make any sense, anyway…), I can tell from the first episode that this is going to be far worse than the (horrible) original 90′s tv-show. It’s just a mish-mash of horrible all-american teen cliché’s, mixed together with some of the worst acting I’ve seen in a show in YEARS (and that’s an understatement). Instead of getting energic actors, you see a handful – oh fuck it – you only see “beautiful” people (or at least people that are considered being beautiful in our society), beautiful students, beautiful teachers (who would put the “My First Sex-Teacher” section on NaughtyAmerica to shame)  who’s acting seems like they are reading their lines straight from a cardboard which the director is holding high up into the air, fulfilled with anger about those stupid idiots that are jumping around infront of the camera.

That’s basically all that goes for it. If you like US-High School Stupidity and don’t care about losing some of you IQ in the process of watching this garbage, you are in for a pretty bumpy ride. Everyone else: AVOID IT; BURN IT, BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND!

I, on the other hand, seriously need some aspirin… and crack…

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